D and I are leaving tomorrow on vacation.  We are going to far away places that some could call exotic.  I will think of them as exotic and erotic if I run into the Finnish girls luge team.  Just joshing.

I will try to keep up some kind of travelog so check you ghomercowan.com on occasion.  I may try to include some pics of actual snow or something.  Me in a reindeer hat will bring a hoot or two I am sure.

Bon Voyage you all.

Chuy

I have noticed the increase in phone calls that I receive on my cell phone that are objectionable.  I can remember when I first got a cell phone, only people I knew could call me.  No Mas.  Today, on the way home from the ranch I got a call from “UNKNOWN” and I knew right away that this was going to be a call I would not normally get.  I answered anyway because I was kinda in a pissy mood.  A voice identified herself as a political poll taker, seeking opinions about political feelings in the state of Texas.  I said, sure, I would be glad to give my opinion.  Before she could start her list of questions I simply said.  My opinion is that we should hang every damned one of the sumbitches and start over.  There was a silence at her end of the phone and she simply said, Thank you sir for you candid opinion.  Somehow I got the feeling she really didnt want my opinion.  I laughed so hard I damned near run off the road.

One of the things my two cousins and I did during the summer in Pecos was to go to the city dump and catch skunks.  My older cousin Bobby would operate on them and remove their stink gland.  This was a delicate operation as it consisted of unpuckering the rectum to expose the pistols that sprayed the foulest of odors.  Normally my job was to hold the flashlight while Bobby did the cuttin.  Lessie held the skunk down.  You can only imagine how still an animal can become when someone is cutting things off its rectum with the aide of a single edge gillette razor blade.  The skunk was normally inside a burlap bag.  We had the procedure down to a science.  However, there were mishaps and they were not pretty.

How, you might ask, does hunting skunks relate to political polls.  Well sometimes even the best laid plans and the purest of intentions just seem to turn to caca.  The lady who called probably had a very nice and orderly list of questions that someone had told her would reveal the true feelings of the people of Texas, concerning the political fortunes of our country.  However, she had the misfortune to call an old skunk hunter, who knows what a skunk smells like, and her plan turned a bit foul. She is probably still sitting at her desk, looking at her phone, thinking, who in the hell do I give this poll to?

Chuy the opinionated

1.  The check is in the mail

2.  I will not get you pregnant

3.  I will not send troops into Iraq, Iran, Sudan, Ethiopia, etc.

Is there a soul left on the planet that believes any of the above blatant lies?  I would hope not.  We are bombarded daily with a steady stream of I will not’s.  Then while we are sleeping they get done anyway.  It’s kinda our fault for sleeping, I guess.  I only sleep about 5 hours each nite so if some of ya’ll could volunteer to watch while I catch those few hours then maybe we can watch what is going on.  Question?  The man won in a landslide, twice, but I’ll be damned if I can find anyone who voted for him.  Who did and who didnt?

My travel advisor and I are leaving in about a week for a bucket list trip. She has always wanted to see the fjords of Norway and I have always wanted to see the reindeer people.  So, that’s what we are going to do.  I have also always wanted to take a finnish sauna with the Finish women’s ski or luge team.  I dont know how much that would cost but lets all hope it’s less than I think.  However, if they will take AMEX then price is not object, my children can pay for it with my estate.  I am looking forward to having some nubile young Scandinavian beat me with a birch branch. LOL. I have been eating pickled herring for the last week just to get in shape.  They seem to eat a lot of herring and salmon over there.  I am at one with herring, salmon, stinky cheese and lingonberry preserves.  I also like dark bread spread with reindeer butter.  Dorothy is not much on breakfasts but I sure am and the Norse are famous for large breakfast buffets.  Oh, ya’ll dont worry about me getting fat because traveling with D is akin to a trek.  Man can that gal walk. Except for a knife made by the Sami (reindeer people) I can’t think of much I will bring back.  I am going to try to bring back some dried salmon but will understand if customs eats it. But they might not, D and I took the time to apply for a pass that lets us avoid customs in some cases.  We had to apply thru the Border Patrol or home land security and they took care of it.  We will see.  I may be writing from a Federal correction facility later this year.

I want all of ya’ll to promise to stay healthy while I am gone.  I dont want to hear any bad news that would ruin my vacation.  I dont want to hear anyone cough on the airplane either.  That Ebola scares the shitaske out of me and I dont want to be stranded in London.  Their food is not all that exciting.

Take care

Gary