We have been brainwashed for years by the erroneous assumption that just because Santa walks around giggling and acting jolly that all obese people are uncontrollably jolly.  We probably would all shake like a bowlfull of jelly if we lived at the North pole, catered to by a little ole lady who looks like she can cook the brownie from hell.  You just know that the chicken and dumplins that come out of Mrs. Claus kitchen are as flavorful as any you have ever had.  The dumplins probably have to be weighted down by a spoon just to keep them in the bowl.  You are around little ole elves all day and they are cute as a speckled pup.  They can apparently make any kind of toy you could possible think of.  Why not be jolly? 

However, most fat folks I know only laugh and act jolly in an attempt to keep from crying.  You have a heck of a time buying clothes, you can hardly sit in most airplane seats, and some airlines want to charge you double, and a booth in a mom and pop restaurant is near impossible to sit in.  I think I was ruined as a skinny person the first time I walked into a big mans store and realized that pants are made up to size 70.  Hell what is the incentive to loosing weight if you know that you can buy a 3 piece suit that will fit Dumbo.  I only know that I wish I was the size I was when I first looked in the mirror and thought I was fat. 

Today, I was enlightened.  It is not my fault.  It isnt genetics, it isnt gluttony, it isnt even lack of will power.  It has been caused by actions of the American Dental Association in cooperation with the refrigerator magnet manufacturers.  How you ask, could those two entities be responsible for anyone’s weight gain.  Duh!  Its the metal in dental fillings and in dentures and bridges.  You are being drawn to the refrigerator by the connection between you false teeth and those damned magnets on the front of your frig.  Its bad enough that our refrigerators are covered with the most delicious of recipes that contain more calories and carbs than we are supposed to eat in a week.  We werent even aware why we got up from our recliner 10 times a night and went to the frig and felt compelled to look inside to see if the light was still on. 

We see about 20 ads a day from Personal Injury Attorneys offering to sue a trucking company or a medical doctor for an operation gone awry.  Well, now we have someone we can sue.  those little companies that put out those magnets and maybe even the ADA.  They ADA claim they are a good organization because they recommend that folks brush their teeth 4 or 5 times a day with a whitening agent.  What we need to do is figure out how to make children’s braces out of paper mache so that the next generation is not drawn down the same path as we have traveled.

Chuy, the environmental scientist