We have been brainwashed for years by the erroneous assumption that just because Santa walks around giggling and acting jolly that all obese people are uncontrollably jolly.  We probably would all shake like a bowlfull of jelly if we lived at the North pole, catered to by a little ole lady who looks like she can cook the brownie from hell.  You just know that the chicken and dumplins that come out of Mrs. Claus kitchen are as flavorful as any you have ever had.  The dumplins probably have to be weighted down by a spoon just to keep them in the bowl.  You are around little ole elves all day and they are cute as a speckled pup.  They can apparently make any kind of toy you could possible think of.  Why not be jolly? 

However, most fat folks I know only laugh and act jolly in an attempt to keep from crying.  You have a heck of a time buying clothes, you can hardly sit in most airplane seats, and some airlines want to charge you double, and a booth in a mom and pop restaurant is near impossible to sit in.  I think I was ruined as a skinny person the first time I walked into a big mans store and realized that pants are made up to size 70.  Hell what is the incentive to loosing weight if you know that you can buy a 3 piece suit that will fit Dumbo.  I only know that I wish I was the size I was when I first looked in the mirror and thought I was fat. 

Today, I was enlightened.  It is not my fault.  It isnt genetics, it isnt gluttony, it isnt even lack of will power.  It has been caused by actions of the American Dental Association in cooperation with the refrigerator magnet manufacturers.  How you ask, could those two entities be responsible for anyone’s weight gain.  Duh!  Its the metal in dental fillings and in dentures and bridges.  You are being drawn to the refrigerator by the connection between you false teeth and those damned magnets on the front of your frig.  Its bad enough that our refrigerators are covered with the most delicious of recipes that contain more calories and carbs than we are supposed to eat in a week.  We werent even aware why we got up from our recliner 10 times a night and went to the frig and felt compelled to look inside to see if the light was still on. 

We see about 20 ads a day from Personal Injury Attorneys offering to sue a trucking company or a medical doctor for an operation gone awry.  Well, now we have someone we can sue.  those little companies that put out those magnets and maybe even the ADA.  They ADA claim they are a good organization because they recommend that folks brush their teeth 4 or 5 times a day with a whitening agent.  What we need to do is figure out how to make children’s braces out of paper mache so that the next generation is not drawn down the same path as we have traveled.

Chuy, the environmental scientist

It appears as if the Iranian situation could be clearing up.  I can only assume that the Ayatollah has finally come to the conclusion that economic sanctions( no poptarts being imported) is making a profound difference in the living standards of his people.  Does one want a nuclear device or does one want a toaster strudel.  I’m toaster strudel everytime.

Pootin Putin seems to be able to handle the Syrians to everyones satisfaction although he is taking his own sweet time about it.  Prez would like it if it happened while he has everybodys hackles raised but I predict it will take a bit longer.

Now the other major problems, I think I have a handle on how to cure those.  First, we talk the Kardashiens into adopting Miley and then we deport the entire family either to Armenia, the county of their fathers origin or we send them to an African nation, which has indiginous people that one of the daughters has not slept wth nor lived with.  That could take some doing but dont think any of them has ever slept with a Mali.  Since Bruce is an olympic hero of some note, we could let him stay in the USA under the condition that he never have another cosmetic surgery on his face nor can he ever have another Botox shot.  His head is going to have the same half life as PVC pipe, ie.  His head will not go ashes to ashes or dust to dust.  Even in the casket he will look the same on the day of deliverence.  His children, the Jenners, may be beyond saving due to  influence by the K’s but if they agree to go to “frump” class and agree to never get involved in any phase of the entertainment business, well, I guess they could be allowed to stay.  With the proviso that if they are ever seen on a newscast of in the national inquirer , then, its off to Mali.  This particular set of problems is not as important as nuclear proliferation or chemical warfare but comes damned close in my books. 

We need to be a more peaceful nation and I just dont think we can if we are constantly exposed to “twerking”

Chuy, the liberator

Thanks to the proliferation of reality shows I have become enamored with Mr. Seward’s purchase, Alaska.  Dorothy and I took our grandson on a cruise and land trip of that state last year and that only started my new-found love for our largest state.

I have replaced my favorite TV show, Food channel, with a show called ALASKA, THE LAST FRONTIER.  This show is a reality show chronicling the life of an extended homesteading family, the Kilchers.  You never get a full sense of how many there are in the family but they are extended.  Let me introduce the main characters.  The eldest brothers, Otto and Atz each have a son, Eivan and Atx Lee.  They have other children but they are only occasionally shown in an episode.  If you remember the fable about the ant and the grasshopper then you will understand the relationship between the cousins Eivan and Atz Lee.  Eivan spends most of his days, along with his lovely little wife, growing, canning and putting food stuffs in the root cellar.  They hunt, fish and gather until they have ample food stored for the winter.  They cut and stack 10 or 20 cords of trimmed wood and appear to have everything covered.  They also have a wide variety of food, not just bear meat and gravy.  They grow large cabbages, carrots, dill, turnips, well you can only imagine what they could grow when there is almost constant daylight.  Cousin Atz Lee seems to attempt to do the right thing but is usually just about one bubble off plumb.  He is hunting his years meat supply on the last day of hunting season.  he doesn’t grow anything except some scraggly face hair.  His wife, Jane is a good fisherwoman and usually provides enough fish for the family to survive.  They normally are searching thru 6 ft deep snow trying to find a downed tree to cut up for firewood.  If they have a rick of wood cut when the first snow appears then they seem, not happy, but at least complacent.  This family has most everything that they need to exist and seem to have much fun during the long hours of work that are needed to keep their existence. 

There is not much about the way these people live that would attract most people but being a person who has been accused of being born about a 100 years too late, I find their lifestyle enticing.  I like being able to go to the grocery store every day for fresh, but would just a soon go hunting in the woods for each days meal.  With a greenhouse like part of the family has, well, many varieties of foods could be grown.  I am not terribly sure I would like the outhouse concept but guess you could put in a fur-lined potty seat and make things a bit more comfortable. Lack of a Starbucks and a Marble Slab ice cream parlor would be drawbacks to my spouse but I guess a good pot of boiled coffee and come snow ice cream would keep her until we could get to town. 

Take a look at this show if you havent already.  I believe it is on the National geo channel or travel channel but look for it.  It will make you appreciate what we have and miss what we had in prior generations before we became civilized.

Chuy, the explorer

One of the things I usually do early each morning is to review the news headlines on AOL. These news bits are usually short and are teasers for the real story.  There is always a variety of news reports that either make my blood boil and on rare occasions get an u-rah.

ONE WEEK LEFT BEFORE GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN:  Could it be possible to skip this whole week and get on with shutting things down.  There really doesnt exist a method for us to start over with the entire lot of knaves that inhabit Washington but we could always hope.  Congress will continue to be paid.  IRS will remain open.  Post office will continue to operate inefficienly and parts of the army will be marching on an empty stomach.  If the government shuts down, the armed forces will be paid in IOU”S.  Next they will have to buy their own ammo.

RECORD 9 MILLION PHONES SOLD LAST WEEK:  Holy Alexander Graham Bell, where in the hell have we let our civilizaion go?  No matter what telephone program you currently have, 9 million phones made APPLE a cool $ 1.8 billion last week.  That aint bad.

49’S STAR OUT AFTER DRUGS AND DUI ARREST:  But not until after he tried to play in the game Sunday.  The owner of the 49’rs has sounded tough but is he really.  How about showing some young impressionable young man or woman that there are consequences to ones actions, no matter how talented you are.  The owner should get on national TV, tear up this young mans contract, advising him that his last check will not cash and wash his hands of the whole mess.  All the other teams should send their owners to the meeting and let the hophead that he has no place in football.

MALL CRISIS ENTERS 3RD DAY:  I knew in my heart that malls were no place to go. 

BRITANY WEARS A BRA TOP IN VEGAS:  Duh!  I can only say that I am totally surprised about this whole situation.  It is a pictorial fact that she doesnt wear drawers so why in the world would she come to town wearing a bra.  Do you think she has seen the light?

MAN BEATEN UNCONSCIOUS WHILE WAITING FOR iPHONE:  I have an iphone and didnt beat anyone to get it.  I just walked into the ATT store and they practically gave the thing to me.  They begged me to take an iphone 5s, but I told them the one I had was underutililzed and had more on it than I would ever use.  I dont use the reminders app, the weather channel, stocks, or music.  I can look out my window upstairs in my office and pretty much tell the weather.  I have 3 satallite radios in cars so can listen to hits of the 50’s until i get tired of Bobby Rydell.  Hell, Corpus is cracking down on cell phone usage so there is absolutely no need for my phone to have a games app. 

I guess I ought to stop reading the news but feel that I must keep abreast of what is happening around me so that I can pack my car and get the heck out of Dodge if a bunch of people take over the mall and the army attacks the mall to rescue the walkers.

Chuy, the news hound

Members of PETA, please consider yourselves notified that the world population of channel catfish is lower by one.  I caught 2 but threw one back after I gave him a stern talking to about messing with my baited hook.  I apparently stumbled into a school of Jewish catfish cause they were eating my chopped chicken liver like a family of Greenbergs at the synagogue.

Our local lake is drying up at an alarming rate and this has prevented many people from bringing their boats to the lake to fish.  However, the lake can still be accessed by foot.  I was surprised that I was the only person utilizing the lake on a day that was perfect for fishing.  A bit cloudy, a mild breeze and not all that hot.  With 7%+ of the population of the USA being out of work you would have thought that more folks would have been fishing.  Is fishing no longer an activity enjoyed by retirees?  I wonder.  Well I enjoyed the time spent just sitting there feeding bait to the little scavengers.  I enjoyed eating the second one I caught.  He was 13.5″ long, which is above the 12″ minimum.  He tasted slightly like liver.

This trip was kind of a shakedown trip.  I recognized that I am lacking some of the necessary equipment for fishing in the local lake.  I need some more colorful bobbers (corks) so that I can see them better.  I need a wider range of hooks, in many different sizes.  It took a few casts before I determined that I could not catch a perch with a shark hook.  Maybe next time I will stop at the bait stand and buy some worms.  Maybe they hang on the hook better than liver.  Or even some bait shrimp.  I wish I knew where I could get some cotten seed meal.  My grandfather used to make dough bait from cotton seed meal and light bread.  My cousin and I ate more of the dought bait than the fish.  Maybe I can contact Ed, ginner of cotton and he will know of a source for cotten seed meal.

I will go again because it was a good way to spend most of a day without being at home under foot.

Chuy, the fisherman

Another week of people going off the deep end and spreading grief.  Another week of biblical floods after a summer of biblical fires.  I can only hope this isnt leading up to record snowfall in south texas.  We dont own any cold weather clothes not do we have a place to buy any.  We pretty much live in Bermuda shorts and tennis shoes.

Tomorrow I am going fishing.  It has been a while since I did that.  I have all the equipment, just havent made the effort to go.  Cant fish in the gulf because I dont know the fish that live there and could easily eat something that is poisonous and wouldnt even know it.  I like river bank fishing.  I like to sit down on a river bank, bait my hook, toss it out there a few feet and set back and just wait.  I like watching a cork or bobber, whichever you call it in your neck of the woods.  There is something soothing about just sitting on a river bank and occasionally spitting or even cussing if you are so inclined.  There seems to be more happening all the time that would cause me to cuss.  Our local lake has practically dried up but they said in the paper over the weekend that folks were catching a lot of catfish.  Catfish is a fish that I enjoy eating.  I enjoy catching a catfish because you dont have to work too hard to entice him to bite.  You normally just have to put a bit of chicken liver on the hook, toss it in the water and sit there and wait.  You dont have to do a lot of casting as you would have to do when fly fishing.  Fly fishing looks super cool but you have to have so much equipment to do it.  Unless you are Brad Pitt in ” A River Runs thru It” then you have to have waders, one of those little baskets to hang around your neck, a special hat that has hundreds of artificial fly pinned on it, and about a $ 300 rod and reel.  Then, unless you are BP and catch a lunker, you have to settle for a little old trout that is too small to keep or the river is a catch and release river.  I remember in an earlier time we ate what we caught. Too damned bad about the size and there was little of that catch and release business.  Most of the time, we caught and cooked, and ate right after that.  Fried sun perch, with the meat scraped off the bones onto a piece of white bread is a pretty darn good snack.  I, of course, will adhere to state game regulations and only keep the first 25 catfish I catch that exceed 12 inches in length.  Or, I will stop at the BBQ joint on the way home and have some brisket, with fat on it, and some potato salad.  And a piece of two of white bread and some onion slices.  And some ice tea. 

I hope the fish are biting tomorrow.

Chuy, fisher of men.

Long green peppers such as hatch peppers.  Dont use any kind other than the long ones.  char the peppers under the broiler of your oven until mostly black.  Remove and put them in a large ziplock bag.  Let them steam for 15 minutes.

While the chiles are steaming brown one lb of hamburger meat and let it cool.  When cool add to food processor, add a good amount of shredded cheese and a whole onion.  Mix until it forms almost a paste.  add a bit of salt and pepper and a dash of chili powder.  stir one more round.

remove chiles from bag, remove charred skin and lay on a cookie sheet.  Let them cool so you can handle them.  when cool, make a slit in the side of the pepper and stuff each pepper with meat mixture.  when you have stuffed all peppers put the pan in the fridge for about 30 minutes.  this lets the meat set up and everything get settled.  After all, you want the peppers to me relaxed before you plunge them in hot oil.

Batter:  Here is where it gets tricky.  I dont like a rellano that looks like somebody screwed up an omelette.  I don’t want the coating to look too puffy.

4 eggs whipped until frothy, a cup of flour and a cup of beer.  mix and it should be somewhat like a runny pancake batter.  add either flour or more beer to arrive at destination.  roll each pepper in flour and dip in batter.  Place immediately in a skillet containing about 1″ of hot oil or melted lard.  Dont try to do too many peppers at one time cause they cook fast and you will have a hard time keeping up with them.  Fry til brown and place on paper towel to drain

Salsa:  1 jar of commercially prepared green salsa , add a can of chopped green chiles and heat until warm.  doesn’t have to be hot.  spread a dab of this over each pepper and top with a bit of cheese, white or yellow and place in oven on serving plate and warm until cheese melts.

Bon appetite

Chuy the short order cook

No, this is not going to be a confessional of some long lost love.  It is more basic than even that.  My love affair is with the watermelon.

If I asked each of you what your favorite sweet or dessert was, I doubt many would consider the watermelon.  There would be a bunch who would pick fudge, a few for divinity, many would think a chocolate cake or the many variations of the cake.  Pie would garner a lot of votes, simply because we were born in a time when pies were regular desserts on our kitchen tables.  My mother had a 12″ pie pan and she made wonderful lemon and chocolate pies on a regular basis.  She never had to throw out any left over pie.  Cookies are good desserts if you are the kind who likes chocolate chips, walnuts or pecans and lately such things as M & M’s.  My favorite cookie is a simple Tea Cake.  No frills.  Just a glass of cold milk and a stack of Grandma’s tea cakes, fresh out of the oven.  Thats living high on the hog so to speak.  You can go fancy with mousses, brulees, and flans but you cant mess with mother nature and her greatest sweet invention, the watermelon.

I dont know who ate the first watermelon but I often wonder what they might have been thinking right before they ate it and right after they took the first bite.  I guess melons have been around since biblical times so they have had a chance to perfect them but I also wonder what the first watermelon tasted like.  We can buy watermelon pretty much year round and that is a good thing as far as I am concerned.  As a child I can remember family gatherings where there were several watermelons chilling in a washtub full of ice and water.  Everyone wanted the heart of the melon but only a few were so lucky.  Watermelons from our childhood had more seeds than the kind that are on the market now.  You couldnt even buy a melon now with the kind of seeds that would be required to have a melon seed spitting contest.  Poor children of the modern world. I eat my melons now as a part of a salad, a side dish that goes along with the blackeyed peas and cornbread or for dessert.  Sometimes, all three.  Dorothy likes to wait until after her meal and eats watermelon as a dessert.

I have a little confession to make.  If I had been the first person to have ever eaten a watermelon, well, you might not have ever gotten to taste one.  I just might not have told anyone how good they were and continued thru my life as the only person eating those big ole gourds.

Gary

My doctor’s office is in a small hospital, which has far less parking spaces than it should have for the number of people who use the facility.  Just getting a spot to park makes my blood pressure rise to alarming levels every time I go out there.  Hah, maybe I have stumbled on to the reason for the limited parking???  Anyway, today as I was ready to turn the corner to go to the next row, a lady, driving a stretch Ford expedition began the process of pulling into a slot that was marginal as a parking spot for a VW beetle.  She was up, back, turn, up, up, back, sideways all the while talking on a cell phone.  While I was sitting there watching her manipulate her behemoth of an automobile I notices she had an eyebrow pencil between her fingers on the hand that was holding the phone and one of those eyelash curlers in the other hand, the one responsible for steering the tank.  I calmly put my car in park, got out and walked over to her auto and tapped on the window, it came down, and she asked what I wanted.  I kindly suggested that she might free up the lane of traffic a bit quicker if she would hang up the phone and then maybe take care of her makeup before she left the house in the morning.  Then I got mean, as felt that I had to tell her that she was wasting her time with the makeup cause it aint working.  She rolled up her window, backed out of the parking place and drove out of the lot.  I pulled into the spot and went in to the hospital to take care of my business. 

We have a new police chief in Corpus who has vowed to stop texting while driving.  I can only hope that will extend to getting one’s hair done, cosmetics tidied up or any other activity that causes one to lose contact with what they are doing.  I have a hard enough time to figure out what I am supposed to be doing without doing a set of books while driving.  I even quit reading novels while driving on the open road.  Talk about being a concerned citizen.

Chuy the disgruntled